I have no idea where to start. The only time I heard about blogging was when someone was making fun of another person for being a lonely dork. I finally decided to give into the popular technology because my therapist and everyone else keeps on telling me to journal. Well I would journal but there is two things wrong with that. First off why would I write about what I think if I am the only person who is going to read it. I already know how I feel, I Would rather the world know, I think that is way more helpful. Second, whenever I did journal, it got taken from me and used against me. Well now that I am a grown adult the worst that’s going to happen is someone is going to judge me, and honestly, that’s definitely not the worst.
I don’t even know how long I am allowed to type on this thing. If I really wrote what went through my head in a day, it would take months to sort it all out. Its kind of like your intestines, all cramped up inside a persons body, but when stretched out reveals over 25 feet of digesting power. (I like to share small interesting facts that are useless by the way). I would almost say that I have a very fast adhd train of thought. Darting from subject to subject, picking apart and analyzing everything and everyone around me. I always say the most annoying person I have ever met is myself. I wish I would just shut up. If I was really standing next to me, I would punch me for talking too much.
I have insomnia at night. I’m tired of it. Its life’s big joke. Says my brain to my body….”Scuse me, I know your tired but I have 10 million petty things I want to discuss with you over and over again before you go to sleep, and while I’m doing this do you mind if I play the most annoying catchy tune to you repeatedly?…” This is how it goes every night. I would say that is why I used to drink myself into a blackout almost every night- that and to make it easy to sleep with that not so attractive guy with the warm body.
Alot of long nights spent awake, you can find me stalking facebook. I kind of get depressed when I am on it. I don’t know why. It’s just this uneasy feeling like I’m waiting for something, watching, but nothing happens. It’s a world of fake friends and tally marks. Sometimes I just want to throw my computer out of anger, feeling like I’m getting robbed of real life, and this is what I am reduced to is spying on other people as they have jobs and relationships.
I spend most of my time alone. Its funny because I have become somewhat of a recluse. i hated being alone and avoided it at all costs. I would spend most of my time hanging out with anyone and everyone for the sake of company. Bar hopping till I couldn’t hop anymore, picking a person out for the night that looked like they had friends so I could continue my codependency far into the morning hours. Sometimes I would make a desperate attempt to fabricate a connection with some guy as long as i didn’t have to go home to an empty bed. Its funny after all that, I have ended up lonely and alone.
They are two different things you know…
-Being lonely is being surrounded by people and still feeling like youre in a glass cage in the middle of times square, watching as everyone rushes around you, living their lives being busy, unaware of small, inconspicuous you.
-And being alone is when there’s no one around to hear you whine about it.
I belive that what people fear the most will challenge them all their life. I know that the devil has it out for everyone. Think about it, there are so many famous people that get stricken with an illness or die, having their talents cut short or made difficult.
-Ferrah Fawcett got cancer and ended up loosing her hair, what she was famous for
-Beethvoen lost his hearing and has constant tinnitus (ringing in his ears)
-Ebert has battled with cancer in his salivary gland making it so he cannot speak
-Stephen Hawking, a great English theoretical physicist and cosmologist became paralyzed and lost his ability to speak due to a motor neurone disease
-Ray Charles lost his sight at an early age
-Andrea Boccelli, an amazing classical artist, lost his sight due to a football accident (he also shares my birthday)
-Mohammed Ali who ”floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee” got Parkinson’s Disease
-Johann Sebastian Bach, became blind
-Michael J. Fox, Parkinson’s disease
-Billy Grahm, motivational speaker, Parkinson’s disease
-Majic Johnson, AIDS
-Mozart, Tourettes
-Isacc Newton was “Bipolar” or mentally ill
-Abrahm Lincoln who saved many men from slavery and death was perpetually depressed and suicidal
-Christopher Reeve, Superman himself, no longer to fly with a spinal cord injury
Anyways, I could go on forever, but the conclusion I am making here is that whatever you are meant to do in life, whatever you are are supposed to become, whatever talent you may have, will be attacked from the very beginning of the day you were born. Which brings me to my next subject- ME
I know I am supposed to do something great in my life. There has been a battle from day one. I almost died at birth and from then on was thrown in harms way every waking moment of my life. I am lucky to have survived it all, or should I say an angel was watching over me. Added to that, I have the hardest time functioning as a human being. I have been labeled with several mental disorders, none of which I am willing to admit to. It’s as my title says; I’m not crazy, you are. I truly believe that. How can I be the insane one? I think I am intelligent, creative, witty, and i think I perceive the world through a different lens. I have been in and out of mental institutions, lock downs, halfway homes and therapists. Out I came with a myriad of diagnosis. ADHD, Tourettes, Bipolar, Manic Depression, Clinical Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and OCD. I think that because I am different, like we should be, that I am labeled and handed a bottle of pills so I will shut up and not disturb the sick monotony of human existence.
Well, I am not going to be quiet anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment